Downtime
My Sister - Are you happy?
Me - You can't ask me that kind of question.
My Sister (with a puzzled look on her face) - Why not?
Me - I don't seek to concentrate on one emotion over the others. They are all of value and equally needed so I don't seek out only happiness.
My Sister (looking at me like I'm the biggest tool on the planet) - What can I ask you?
Me - You can ask me if I'm at peace. I seek peace with my emotions instead of a desired emotional state.
My Sister (rolling her eyes) - Alright. Are you at peace?
Me - Yes. I accept who I am and what I am meant to in life. Happiness is irrelevant.
My Sister (with a thoughtful look on her face) - So you are resigned to your peace?
Me - Yes.
And so the conversation ends with me answering a very accusing question. The implication of which is have I given up on myself and life. Resigning myself to a living purgatory. The answer was "Yes" then but it is "No" now. I am not resigned to my peace.
Now comes the tie in to the title. My problem is not in the accepting of who I am and what I do, it is about what I do in-between those times that I am doing what I do. Downtime.
I have no idea what to do with myself when I am "off". A question that was easy to ignore when I was running around fighting my inner demons. My down time simply consisted of working on or running away from my inner demons. All that is gone. My downtime is now legitimately downtime. A time to recover and rebuild my resources and to enjoy what life has to offer outside of what I do. I am at a loss at the moment but it is my new quest to figure out what exactly it is that I can do with downtime. Time to learn how to genuinely be part of life again.
Me - You can't ask me that kind of question.
My Sister (with a puzzled look on her face) - Why not?
Me - I don't seek to concentrate on one emotion over the others. They are all of value and equally needed so I don't seek out only happiness.
My Sister (looking at me like I'm the biggest tool on the planet) - What can I ask you?
Me - You can ask me if I'm at peace. I seek peace with my emotions instead of a desired emotional state.
My Sister (rolling her eyes) - Alright. Are you at peace?
Me - Yes. I accept who I am and what I am meant to in life. Happiness is irrelevant.
My Sister (with a thoughtful look on her face) - So you are resigned to your peace?
Me - Yes.
And so the conversation ends with me answering a very accusing question. The implication of which is have I given up on myself and life. Resigning myself to a living purgatory. The answer was "Yes" then but it is "No" now. I am not resigned to my peace.
Now comes the tie in to the title. My problem is not in the accepting of who I am and what I do, it is about what I do in-between those times that I am doing what I do. Downtime.
I have no idea what to do with myself when I am "off". A question that was easy to ignore when I was running around fighting my inner demons. My down time simply consisted of working on or running away from my inner demons. All that is gone. My downtime is now legitimately downtime. A time to recover and rebuild my resources and to enjoy what life has to offer outside of what I do. I am at a loss at the moment but it is my new quest to figure out what exactly it is that I can do with downtime. Time to learn how to genuinely be part of life again.
posted by Urban Shaman at 1:22 AM
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